


Paint It Black

by violently_knits



Series: Paint It Black [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 18:38:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 14,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7373056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violently_knits/pseuds/violently_knits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil seem to have a pretty good life. They are a couple of the most famous youtubers, the work on their own radio show, and they're best friends. Phil couldn't be any happier. But what happens when Phil finds out about the other side of Dan he hasn't met yet?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Paint It Black-Rolling Stones

_"I see a red door and I want it painted black. No colors any more, I want them to turn black. I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes. I have to turn my head until my darkness goes. I see a line of cars and they're all painted black, with flowers and my love, both never to come back. I see people turn their heads and quickly look away. Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day. I look inside myself and see my heart is black. I see my red door I must have it painted black. Maybe then, I'll fade away, and not have to face the facts. It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black."_

My name is Dan Howell. I live in London with my best friend/boyfriend Phil Lester. We work together at the BBC radio station on weekends, and we both make funny youtube videos. You would think my life would be great, and that I'd be happy. That's what I thought too, until one month I was feeling really sad anxious all the time, so I went to the doctor. She diagnosed me with depression in September, 2012.

I had to take medication for awhile, but I eventually stopped, because the side effects of the pills made me feel miserable, and I really hate to swallow pills. I never told Phil about it, because I didn't want him to worry about me. He still thinks I live a normal life, but every day I wake up and my first thought is I don't want to live anymore. I should probably go back to the doctor, but then Phil would get suspicious.

Phil is a very happy-go-lucky person, who's always smiling, and I'm kind of jealous of him sometimes. He is a very caring person, an amazing friend, and generally pleasant to be around. He's like a fucking ray of sunshine.

I, on the other hand, am very negative, pessimistic, depressing, and usually not the best person to be around. But you know what they say: opposites attract. We do get along fairly well. I can't remember the last time we had a proper fight. We are around each other so much, I'm surprised we haven't gotten sick of each other yet, but I could never get sick of Phil because he's my boyfriend and I love him so much.

That's why Phil can't know about my depression. He would worry about me too much, or he would break up with me. He can't leave, I need him now more than ever. He knows that I need him, but he doesn't know specifically why. Sometimes I think he's getting close to figuring me out, but then I make some joke about llamas, placentas, or Delia Smith, and it's all ok again.

But it's only just an act.


	2. Thank You For The Venom-My Chemical Romance

_"I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me. I'm just the way that the doctor made me, on, and on, and on, and on. Love is the red the rose on your coffin door. What's life like, bleeding on the floor, the floor, the floor?"_

"What should we do for Valentine's Day this year, Dan?" Phil asked me. I didn't hear him at first because I had my head phones on and was editing my newest video "Get Ready With Dan". Then he said it again, louder, so I could hear him.

"I don't think we should really do much on Valentine's day this year."

"Why?" he asked, a fake frown on his face.

"Because Valentine's Day has the highest suicide rate of any holiday. And you have to spend money on someone or else they'll leave you because you're a heartless dick who didn't buy your significant other overly-expensive chocolate."

"Really?"

"Really what?"

"Valentine's Day has the highest suicide rate?"

"Yes. It's a known fact." I stated.

"Well, I still think we should do something." His bright blue eyes beamed at me, hoping that I would agree to something so simple. But I wouldn't because Valentine's Day is my least favorite holiday and I want no part of it.

"The last time we said we wouldn't do anything, you posted a video on youtube of you telling everyone of all the cutsie things we do together. I thought we weren't gonna tell people about us for awhile. Not even my parents know. I don't know how they would react to their son being gay! I've never told anyone!" I almost started having another panic attack like I did the last time Phil and I had a small argument.They have been occurring more frequently now- the panic attacks, not the arguments- and it's been scaring me a bit.

"It's ok, Dan. Calm down. We don't have to do anything this year. We can just buy each other overly-priced chocolate any other day of the year." He hugs me, and I start to calm down.

"Alright. I'm sorry I overreacted."

"It's okay. You've been acting a bit strange lately, Dan. You never eat anymore, you always wear long sleeves even though it's warm out, and you are always in the bathroom. Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah. I've just been feeling a bit... under the weather lately."

"Do you want me to take you to the doctor?"

"What? No. I'm fine. I'm just gonna hang out in my room for a bit. I'll come out later to make dinner, ok?"

"Okay. Just don't be long. I'm kinda hungry."

"Okay." I grab my laptop from where it was next to me on the couch and run into my room. I close and lock the door, and look under my bed for the box.

I find it instantly, having used it so many times before. I open the box, take out the sharpest razor, and roll up my sleeve. I notice some of the old scars are starting to fade away, and the cuts from last week are starting to close up. But I can still see the long, dark red marks along my arm. I put the razor to my wrist and start slicing the freshly healed skin, cutting it open to reveal the red blood inside me. Cut after cut, the blood starts to drip on my duvet, but I don't care. I can just wash it again. I make a few more cuts, and decide to give it a rest for the night.

I sneak into the bathroom next door and wash the somewhat dried blood off my fresh cuts. It looks a bit as if someone was trying to murder my arm, and succeeded. The sink water turns bright red as it goes down the drain. My arm stings as the cold water washes over it. I grab a paper towel and wet it with the water to take to my room so I can clean off the duvet. Just as I opened the bathroom door, Phil is walking right in front of it, probably just coming to check up on me.

My blood and the box are still on the bed, and the bedroom door opened a crack. I stand there, still as ever, slowly walking backwards out of the doorway. Phil walks right into my room calling my name. "Dan? Where are you?" he yells. I quickly throw away the wet paper towel, roll down my sleeves, and walk out.

"I'm right here," I say, walking right behind him.

"Where were you?" he asks.

"I just had to go to the bathroom. I spilled juice on my hands and it was all sticky, so I had to wash it off." I say quickly, trying to convince him.

"Oh." He says skeptically. "I was just coming to check up on you. Can you come make dinner?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll be right there."

With that, he walks back into the living room, not seeing anything in my room. Phew! That was close!


	3. Tangled In The Great Escape-Pierce The Veil

_"Constant recovery, I see you choke and it takes my breath away. But all is good, we close our eyes. They all accept the lie, so bury what you are outside. Brother, promise you won't leave me. I know you're tortured within, your eyes look hungry again, but I'll never wander, my friend."_

 I walk out of my room, pulling my sleeves down in an attempt to hide my cuts. As I go into the kitchen, Phil has already gotten the ingredients for stir-fry. Yay! I love stir-fry. We usually take turns cooking. Phil did last night, so it's my turn tonight. 

 I turn on the stove and wait for it to heat up. Phil walks in to see how long it'll take to cook. He wraps his arms around me as I start chopping up the vegetables. I reach across the counter to get a bell pepper, and my sleeves slips down my arm, exposing the cuts.

 "Dan?" Phil says in a very low voice. "What are those?" he asks, inwrapping his arms from me. Before I can respond, he takes my hand in his and pulls up my sleeve all the way to my elbow. He traces his fingers across the cuts, and looks up at me.

 "What have you done to yourself, Dan?" he questions. He chokes back whatever he was going to say next, and waits for me to respond. Tears start welling up in his eyes, making them appear like glass.

 "I don't know, Phil! I-I..." He pulls me into a hug and we just stand there holding each other for a minute. Then he pulls away and says: "We have to talk about this."

 "No, we don't. I'm fine."

 "Well, obviously you're not. You've been cutting yourself. How could you do this to yourself? You're so beautiful, Dan. How can you not see that?" His protests have no effect on me. I don't think my self-image will ever change.

 "I wasn't doing it because I think I'm not good enough. That is part of it but not all of it. Um," I turn off the stove and go to sit down on the couch in the living room, "I'm depressed, Phil. I have been for two years now." I blurt out.

 "What? Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you." What Phil doesn't realize is that he really can't help me. There's not much anyone can do to help mentally unstable person. Once the brain is corrupted there's no fixing it. You would have to get rid of it and get a new one, much like a computer. But the this is, we can't get rid of our brains because that would result in imminent death. That's why so many depressed people end up committing suicide: because they know they won't get much better.

 "I know, I just didn't want you to worry about me too much."

 "Is this also why you're not eating?" I nod. "Dan, this isn't healthy. You're going to end up killing yourself."

 "Like I haven't thought about that already." I say under my breath, but Phil still hears me.

 "You weren't going to really kill yourself, were you?"

 "No, I wasn't." I lie through my teeth.

 "Dan. Please let me help you." One perfect tear races down his cheek.

 "You can try, but I'm not worth saving." I tell him.

 "Of course you are! You just don't see that because your brain is clouded with all this depression. I need you to stay with me. I'd be lost without you. Please let me try to help." I nod again. "Okay, show me what you use to cut yourself. Please? I want to try and fix you."

 I think about it, and eventually lead him to my room.


	4. I'm Not Okay (I Promise)-My Chemical Romance

_"Forget about the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took. You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed now. I'm okay. I'm okay! I'm okay, now. (I'm okay, now.) But you really need to listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth. I mean this, I'm okay! (Trust me.) I'm not okay, I'm not okay. Well, I'm not okay, I'm not o-fucking-kay_."

I dragged Phil upstairs to my bedroom. I can't believe I was that careless enough to let him find put. I should've been way more careful. What the hell is wrong with me?!? Why did I start all this shit in the first place? There must something wrong with me. There just has to be, otherwise I wouldn't be depressed. Maybe I have to go to the asylum so I don't hurt myself. No, Dan. You will not go to the asylum. I swear on the moon I will never go there ever. Those places creep me out anyway, why would I even think about going there? I just don't know.  


As Phil walked into my room, the first thing he saw was the blood on my duvet that I hadn't washed off yet. Shit! Why, Dan? Why? So many questions I'm asking myself. Where are all these coming from? Again, I don't know. Jeez, I must be really nervous. I never go on a mental rampage like this (if this could be considered a mental rampage, but come on, I'm yelling at myself internally.)  


Phil looked at me with tears in his eyes again. I didn't want him to say anything just yet, maybe he didn't want to either. Maybe he wanted to let everything sink in first. It has been a rough fifteen minutes. He just sat down on the bed, and I sat next to him. We sat there for a few more minutes, an awkward silence looming over us. The tension in the air was so thick, you could probably cut it with a knife.   


Then finally, Phil speaks up. "Dan? Where are your razors?" I give him a sad look. The one I used just a few minutes ago still has my blood on it. I really don't want him to see them at all, but I have to trust him. I reach under the covers and pull out the dark, wooden box with a design on the top. I flip up the latch to open it. I give it to him, and he takes it, hesitantly. He dumps out the contents into his hand. There are five razors in there. Three are dull from over use, and the other two are sharp because I pulled them out of the pencil sharpener yesterday while Phil wasn't home. Two or three of them have dried blood on them still. I don't know why I never bothered to clean them off in case someone found them. I was hoping no one would ever find them. Look how great that plan turned out.  


Phil stands up and takes the box with him into the bathroom and motions for me to follow him. At first, I'm confused, but then I start thinking that, maybe he might start cutting himself too, and I almost throw up, even though I know he would never do something like that. He's stronger than I am.  


He opens the box again and hands me a razor. One of the sharp ones. "If you want to cut yourself, you're going to take my arm and cut it as many times as you would on yours." I look at him like he's crazy. Maybe he thinks I'm crazy, but maybe not. Maybe he's just trying to help me understand why I shouldn't do it anymore.  


"Why the hell would I do that? I can't hurt you like that!" I unintentionally yell at him.   


"Then why would you do it to yourself? How is that any different?" he asks me, probably not expecting any logical answer. And he's not going to get one if I can't think of any.  


"I don't know. It just helps me cope with all this depression shit, because I didn't want to talk to you about it." He looks at me with this unreadable look on his face. Yup, he's gonna lock me up in the looney bin. "But I'm guessing it was a horrible idea." The last few words get quieter and quieter until I can't hear myself anymore. I think I might actually throw up.  


"I don't want you to go away to a mental hospital or anything so..." I cut him off before he can finish his sentence.  


"Were you reading my thoughts?" I ask him, kind of actually worried that he might have been.  


"What?"  


"What?" I copy him to cover up what I just asked.  


"Anyway, just please try to stop. I love you. Please understand that. You have so many friends and family who love you too. Just try not to cut. I can't ask you not to be depressed, 'cause we all know that doesn't work at all." He smiles sadly. He understands being depressed a little bit. Not as much as I do, but he was bullied a lot in school. Thankfully, he never took the path I did.  


"I know. I'll try. I love you too." I pull him into a hug. He leaves the room, probably to go on tumblr again. I take my box of razors and hide it back under the bed.  



	5. Wretched And Divine-Black Veil Brides

_"I am the chosen, wretched and divine. I am the unspoken, the one they left behind. Fearless, fight until we die. I am broken, the wretched and divine. I am the Devil's smile, the one caught everyday. A hopeful hero's speech won't stop the years you bleed. I am a hurricane, and Army strong as one. As they sit back and laugh the one you left has just begun."_

I tell Phil I'm going to bed early. I know he doesn't trust me, and I wouldn't blame him. I don't really trust myself to be honest. After standing there for 10 minutes trying to convince him to let me be by myself for the night, he agrees to let me, and I head upstairs to my room. I don't intend to cut or anything, I just really want to be alone and think.

I lie there under the covers for an hour or so, not really thinking of much, but then something comes to me. What would I have done if Phil had never found out? Would I have gotten worse? Would I ever stop? Would I have eventually... killed myself? The possibilities are endless, but really I'd like to know. My mind instantly goes to the thought of me ending my life because it never seemed like it would get better. But I'm kind of glad Phil found out, so hopefully I will get better soon.

I don't know why, but it seems strangely compelling to end it all now. Life really doesn't get any better, so why not? Trying to come up with reasons of staying has become harder as time passes. I mean, sure, Phil would be sad, my parents would be sad, and I don't know how my brother would react. But really would anyone else miss me? All my subscribers tell me "I would die if you did" "Without you, my life is incomplete" "I don't remember what life was like before I started watching you". And sure, those are sweet, but they really don't know me aside from youtube. They don't know what my life is like outside of the internet. They don't understand that it would be easier for me to end my life than trying to make it better.

Not even Phil understands me. He never knew how it feels to be depressed and suicidal. Phil is one of the happiest people I ever knew and probably will ever know. He cheers me up most of the time, but he'll never understand that sometimes I put on my 'happy face' to make it look like I feel like a normal person would.

If I am going to die, I'll need a way to do it. There are so many possibilities. I could hang myself, but that would be too horrific to come home and find. I could drug myself to death, but I'm scared of what would happen if it didn't work. Shooting myself would be too messy. And where would I get the gun? Drowning, also kinda horrific. I could starve myself to death, but I like food too much. The only other choice I can think of at the moment is slitting my wrists. Yes, this will most likely work if someone doesn't find me in time. I just need a date and time that will assure me no one will be here to save me.

I think about the days coming up that Phil would be out of the house, but then again I always go with him. There has to be some day he'll go somewhere without me for a long time. Maybe last minute holiday. Nah, I don't want to ruin his fun. Maybe one day he'll go out with his friends while I stay home. Yeah, that could work. He and I usually have very different tastes in friends, except in Youtubers, and I don't really like hanging out with his friends much. I'll just have to wait for him to go out with them or something.

I plan doing it next Monday (today is Wednesday), just so I could have a few days left. I'm overdue on a video anyway, so it'll be a sort of a farewell to youtube, I just won't say why. I can also see the people at the radio show one last time. It's going to be hard to keep it a secret, but I'll fight to keep it that way.


	6. Trying To Escape The Inevitable-Pence Prep

_"I have this reoccurring dream where you admit that you're not happy. I know that you will never leave. You're here just to torment me. I almost can't believe you're the same person that can, straight-faced with a smile, tell me that you love me."_

Phil and I have lunch the next day in my favorite restaurant. I say very little, trying to savor the time I have left. 4 days left, not including today. We talk about a few things, like what news stories we'll talk about on the radio show. I get teary-eyed while thinking about my last day and how I'm going to spend every last second with Phil. I want my last days to be with him, no one else. It sounds a bit selfish that I don't want to be with anyone else, not even my family, but I really don't care.

After lunch, we walk back home to our flat, window-shopping on the way. Once we get inside, we scroll through Netflix to see what there is to watch, and decide on Doctor Who. Before we put an episode on, we have a small argument over our favorite Doctors. Phil likes Matt Smith better than David Tennant. I just don't see it. We agree to disagree and put on "The Empty Child" which is probably one of my favorite episodes. After watching a few more episodes, Phil turns to me. "You've been very quiet today, Dan. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, just tired." I try to convince him. He looks at me suspiciously for a second, but looks back at the TV.

"I'll start making dinner if you want to go to bed early." he suggests.

"No, that's okay. Wanna watch My Neighbor Totoro? It's your favorite Studio Ghibli film. Or we can watch Pokémon?" Just by listening to that conversation, anyone could probably tell that we both like anime. But there's so much more to it than that, it would be hard to name them all.

"Let's watch Totoro. Hold on, I need to get my totoro stuff." He runs out of the room for a minute and comes back wearing his totoro onesie and carrying his totoro stuffed animal. He fidgets on the couch next to me trying to get comfortable. Then he finally says, "Ready." 

It makes me laugh, and I feel good inside because I haven't genuinely felt happy in a long time. We watch the entire movie, going through a big ass bucket of popcorn and a box or two of Maltesers, which are the best thing in the world ever. When it's over, it's almost 9:00 and even though it's still early for me, I'm exhausted. Phil is too, so we head off to bed, him still wearing the onesie. 

"Phil? Do you mind if I stay with you tonight?" I ask him, just as he's about to shut his door. He reopens it and smiles, allowing me inside. We climb into bed and he wraps his arms around me. I turn around to face him and snuggle into his chest.

"Goodnight." I whisper.

"Goodnight." he kisses my forehead. He's making wanting to die more difficult than it should be, which is a good and bad thing. But all the negativity in life overpowers this, and my plan is still in motion.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

All my rest of days are like this. They're perfect because I'm with Phil 24/7. If only tomorrow wasn't Monday.


	7. You Found Me-The Fray

_"Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang. And all I needed was a call that never came to the corner of First and Amistad. Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me lyin' on the floor. Surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?Just a little late. You found me, you found me."_

I wake up and remember today's the day I won't exist anymore. Phil still hasn't found out, thank god. I'm not backing out of this. This is what I want. This is what I think is best for me. It may not be the greatest choice I have ever made, but I think it's necessary for me to be let go of this crude world.

Phil isn't in bed next to me, but I hear the TV on in the living room. I don't want to leave the warmth of his bed yet, so I grab my phone and earbuds from the bedside table. I scroll through my music library and find nothing in particular I want to listen to, so I put it on shuffle. The first thing to play is My Chemical Romance's The Ghost of You. I immediately turn it off. I don't want to be reminded of what will happen later. Though I know it is imminent, it still saddens me to think about.  


I drag myself out of bed and into the living room. "Morning." Phil and I say to each other as I sit on the bean bag chair in front of the TV. He's watching Master Chef as we do every morning. Cuz we're cool like that. We sit in silence, watching the contestants cooking for the judges, and personally, I think I would never qualify for that show, compared to the contestants. I can't cook that well. I watch intensely, waiting for the judges to announce who's moving on to the next round, when the adverts come on. Every damn time. Soon, Phil breaks the silence between us.  


"I have to go to the shop later and pick up a few things. Do you want to come?" Great. This will be the perfect time to do it.   


"No thanks. I'm not feeling up for going out today. I think I'll just stay home this time." Great lie, Dan. Now he'll ask what's wrong.  


"What's wrong? Is Everything okay?" There it is. The fact that he sounds genuinely concerned breaks my heart.  


"Not much, just a headache. I'll be okay." I try to sound convincing as much as I can. It's not that hard. I was always a pretty good liar.   


"Okay, I'll pick up some aspirin then. I made a shopping list." He hands it to me to look over. "Do you need anything else?"  


"No. You got everything on the list." He gets up get ready, but then Master Chef comes back on, so he sits back down until the next commercial break.  


{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}  


Now it's been almost an hour since the end of the episode. My heart beats hard in my chest as I hear Phil walking in the hallway. He's going to leave soon. I'm going to leave soon too. Kind of tragic, some might say. A lot of people I know would say this is the coward's way out, but they'll change their minds once they find out I was the coward. Just you wait.  


Phil comes over to me and gives me a kiss goodbye, just like we always do when one of us is leaving without the other. I regret having to do this, but I engulf him in a tight hug. The last I'll ever get. He tries to pull away, but I tell him another minute, and he stays with his arms wrapped around me, tighter now. Tears well up in my eyes. I think he can sense something is wrong, but it passes when I'm the first to let go.   


He walks out the door, and I run to my room for the box under my bed. I walk into the bathroom and hurry to do this, but something stops me. Do I really want to end what I have with Phil? Right now, he's the only thing keeping me alive. If I didn't have him, I'd have done it already. Do I really want to throw that all away?  


Yes, if it means I can end the rest of my internal suffering. I pick up the sharpest blade in the box. It feels weird to have it in my hands after not using it in a while. I turn my arm over so that my right wrist is showing and slice through the skin longways.The cut is deep and starts to bleed, but not as much as I'd hoped. I want this to be quick. I run into the kitchen and take out a butcher knife from the drawer and lean over the sink. I slice into my wrist, the cuts going deeper than they ever would have with a regular razor blade. The sink starts to coat with my blood and I feel extremely dizzy. Yes, it's working. I quickly feel myself fading. The kitchen gets dark and blurry. My knees collapse under me.  


The blood flows faster now, collecting in a pool on the cold tiles. In the distance, I hear someone calling my name. It's Phil. What is he doing here? He keeps calling my name, but I am too weak to answer. He checks all over the apartment, finally finding me laying in the kitchen. There is a huge puddle of blood next to me now, almost reaching my torso from outstretched hand. I hear him make little sobbing noises. Tears slip from his face and fall onto my open wound, resulting in a white hot stinging feeling going up my entire arm. He gets a dish towel, wraps it around my wrist and carries me outside to call a cab. I black out before he opens the front door.


	8. How To Save A Life-The Fray

_"Step one, you say, "We need to talk." He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk." He smiles politely back at you, you stare politely right on through. Some sort of window to your right as he goes left and you stay right between the lines of fear and blame. You begin to wonder why you came"_

Like all cliché stories, I wake up in a blinding white room to the faint sound of my heart monitor beating at a steady pace. I feel a slight pain in my right arm and look to see the multiple stitches closing my wounds. The doctor walks in to see if I'm up and to check if I'm okay. I ask for some morphine, but it's no use as of right now, since I have the circulation if a sloth made of butter. I probably won't even feel it until later. Then she asks if Phil can come in to visit, which of course I say yes to.

When he strolls into the room, and stands in the doorway for a minute, staring at me in disbelief. Maybe it's because this all feels surreal. Like it might be just a bad dream. But it isn't. I know it isn't. This is all too elaborate to be fake. Dreams aren't usually this fucked up. 

Phil comes over to the chair next to my hospital bed. He stares at my wrist with no tears in his eyes. No emotion on his face. No body language to read. He is completely numb, and it's all my fault. I feel horrible, but then again, I feel that everything I'm involved in is my fault, so the feeling isn't exactly new. He takes my other left hand in both of his and looks at me. I don't know what to say or do. He doesn't give me some sort of prompt to start speaking, so I just start waffling.

"I'm so sorry Phil." I feel a lump forming in my throat as I speak, and I keep my voice low. "I never meant for it to get this bad. I was so stupid for not telling you, and look where it got me. This is all my fault."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I knew you were depressed, all I want to know is why didn't you tell me before it got this far?" He asks.

"I- how did you know I was depressed?" Wow, Dan. What a dumb question. 

"It was fairly obvious you haven't been yourself in the past few months. And you were self-harming. Usually it's linked with depression."

"Why didn't you ask me about it then?"

"I wasn't sure if you were ready to talk with me about it or not. Clearly, you weren't, because you kept it bottled up for so long. Listen, I don't care if you're sorry or not. It really doesn't matter at this point. All I want to know is why? Why did you attempt to kill yourself? I thought you were getting better. You stopped cutting. I thought we would be together forever. What happened?" His eyes became glassy and his tone sounded angry. It broke my heart listening to him say all this, but I just needed to hear it.

"It was all an act." I try and explain. "I wanted to get better, trust me. But I've tried it before, and it didn't work. I just wanted to try handling it myself this time. I'm an adult and I can make my own decisions whether I need to get help or not. And obviously I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. I love you, but life doesn't always turn out as planned. I hope you're not mad at me."

"You're in denial, but I'm not mad. I could never be mad at you. I just want to make sure you're okay. Maybe you should start seeing a therapist or something. Or get back on your antidepressants. Do you think that would help any?" 

"I dunno. I'll think about it if it would make you happy. Would it?" I know the answer is yes, he wants me to get better. I just don't understand why he cares so much when I don't. Although, it is nice to have someone care about me as much as he does.

"It would make me feel better if you went to get help, but that's up to you. I'll leave you to rest and come back later. I love you."

"I love you too." I plant a long kiss on his lips. "Go home and get some sleep. You look like you've been up for ages."


	9. It Never Ends-Bring Me The Horizon

_"I've said it once a thousand fucking times. You say this is suicide, I say this is a war and I'm losing the battle. Man down, man down. Oh. Is this what you call love? This is a war I can't win! One more nail in the coffin, one more foot in the grave, one more time I'm on my knees as I try to walk away. Everything I've loved became everything I lost."_

While I was in hospital, I felt like I was going to lose my sanity even further. The dullness if it all didn't help. I thought that if I didn't get out of there soon, I would actually have a mental breakdown. The constant beeping of my heart monitor was annoying as fuck, the nurses were inappropriately cheerful, and the place reeked of rubbing alcohol. 

Phil came to visit every day, which was nice, but he hasn't been his joyful, bubbly self as usual. I understand this is a hard time for everyone, but he's always trying to make everyone happy. Why did he give up when I needed him the most? He stopped smiling so much and became this sort of... emotionless rock, so to speak. He didn't show any emotions, around me anyway. I didn't know what he was like at home without me. For all I know, he could have turned into a raging sociopath and then calm and collected during visits. That's highly doubtful, though.

I was going to be released on Friday, until it happened. I was getting anxious that Phil wouldn't be coming one day, and I started scratching at my arm as I always do when I get nervous. I felt something warm and wet in my fingers and looked down to realize I opened up the stitches in my right arm. I couldn't feel any of the pain because I was so full of morphine that it would be illegal for them to give me any more. It began bleeding profusely and I panicked. I pressed the button that called the doctor into my room, kind of regretting it. I didn't want to have to explain why I was bleeding so much. 

Once the doctor rushed in to see what was going on, she gave me this look of utter disappointment. I "seemed to be getting better" she said. "You were doing so good up until now." I didn't reply. I was too ashamed of myself. She stitched me back up, cleaning the blood off my arm. Phil still hadn't come yet, so I decided I would never tell him. What he doesn't know won't kill him. 

About an hour and a half later, he runs in my room, his eyes full of horror. I can only guess that he knows. He gives me a look of disappointment, then disappears for a few minutes to god knows where. He comes back and sits next to me like always. He starts to tear up as he holds my freshly stitched arm in his soft hands. He isn't making this any easier. An awkwardly long since hovers over us until he breaks it a few minutes later. "You're not getting any better Dan. I heard what happened this afternoon. I know it's all my fault that I didn't come earlier. I just-"

"No, it's not your fault, Phil. Not at all. It's mine. I got all worked up over nothing. I knew you were coming, but deep down maybe I thought you didn't want to have to deal with me and my problems anymore." I say, more to myself than to him. 

"Did you really think I wouldn't have come back for you? You know I love you. So much that it hurts sometimes. Words cannot express how I feel about you, Dan, and you know that. I don't think it would be possible for me to leave you, especially now. You need me to help you get through this. Am I correct?" I nod. 

"Maybe I do need to get back on medication."

"Do you think it would help you any? I'm not trying to be negative or anything, but the pills never work. I know, I've tried." I don't question what he means by this because I know he used to be depressed too. Phil was severely bullied in high school and it got pretty bad. He got better after his graduation. "What do you want to do Dan?" he asks me. 

"I want to come home with you. I miss being around you all the time. Maybe I'd get better if I could go home and take my mind off things." I know this isn't true, that it'll take my mind off things, and Phil knows too. I know what he's going to say next. 

"But if you come home, won't you be reminded of... that night?" 

There it is. 

"Probably. But I need a fresh start. I won't leave again. I'd be absolutely miserable without you." That sounds like a really pansy thing to say, but it's true. I'm miserable without Phil. Even if he's gone for just a few hours, I'm lonely. Who could ever think I could spend the rest of my life without him, let alone a few hours? 

"I swear, as soon as your stitches have healed a bit more, you can come home. I miss you too. Say, three more days? Can you do that without hurting yourself again? I really want you to come home today, I really do, but I think you need just a bit longer to recollect yourself. Is that okay?" he tries to be gentle with me, kindly considering my mental state at the moment. 

"Yeah. I understand. I will not hurt myself again. Ever." It might be a lie. It might not. Who knows?

"Good. Do you want me to stay with you longer?"

"Yes please." I scoot over in the need and pat the empty space next to me. Phil lays down with me as we watch crappy day-time TV together. He takes my hand in his. Without looking, I know he's staring at my scars and I feel very self-conscious.


	10. Smile-Uncle Kracker

_"You make me smile like the sun, fall outta bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. Spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night. You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee. Just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh, you make me smile. Even when you're gone, somehow you come along, just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack. And just like that, you steal away the rain. And just like that..."_

Today is the day I get to leave the hospital. Phil comes to pick me up and brings me something to change into. I'm sick of these hospital clothes. They're so uncomfortable and light, it feels like you're wearing nothing. He brings me a long-sleeve shirt since we have to get on the tube to get to our flat. I'm grateful for this. 

With my release forms signed, and my mental stability slowly coming back to me, I'm ready to get back to my own home. And be with Phil of course. As I shyly walk through the front door, I don't feel at home straight away as I thought I would. It seems foreign to me. It feels as if I'm just moving in, when in actuality I've lived here for a while.

I turn around to face Phil, and engulf him in a huge bear hug. I bury my face in his shoulder as he wraps his arms around me tightly. I feel as if I might cry and try to control my breathing. This is all so overwhelming and I'm not sure how to feel about this. We stand there like this for what feels like forever. Phil rubs my back to calm me down as I let a few tears slip out. His shirt gets a little wet, but he doesn't seem to mind. I pull away and try to pull myself together.

"Do you want something to eat?" he asks.

"Yeah. Let's order take away."

"Okay." he replies with a smile on his face. I know Phil loves take away. We go into the kitchen together, me holding his hand all the way. I want to make sure he knows I won't leave again. We call the Chinese food place and order wanton soup and chicken and broccoli for them to deliver. As we wait for the delivery guy, Phil sits on the couch, while I lay my head in his lap. He starts to play with my hair, pushing it around my face and tickling my nose. He leans down to kiss me, which is when the doorbell rings, so our lips never connect. We laugh at the awkward moment and I move off him to get the door. 

I pay the man and take the food inside, breathing in the delicious smell. We eat quickly and get back to what we were doing earlier, but while watching Doctor Who. I sit up and kiss Phil on the lips. He kisses back, and it eventually turns into a makeout session. After a while he pulls away and says: "This isn't going to turn into one of those creepy fanfictions I've read, is it?" 

I start giggling, but the more I think about what he said, the harder I laugh. I almost roll off the couch a few times. Phil actually does roll off the couch and pulls me down with him, me landing on top of him. We keep laughing, and I realize I haven't laughed this hard in ages. I'm glad Phil is the one to make me smile. 

Things return to normal after two or three weeks. Everything is going great between us. We sleep next to each other every night, go everywhere together, and he never leaves my side. I think I'd like to spend the rest of my life this way.


	11. Bring Me To Life-Evanescence

_"How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core, where I've become so numb. Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back home."_

On a Wednesday morning in June, I wake up around 10:00 a.m. but there's no sign of Phil. He's usually just getting up by this time, but it seems a bit early. I hear footsteps in the hall, and then our bedroom door opens. "Surprise! Happy birthday, Dan!" he brings in a cupcake with a small candle lit. It's my favorite flavor, red velvet. He stands by the bed as he sings his rendition of happy birthday, changing some of the lyrics as he always does. 

"You remembered! I totally forgot, today's the 11th." I chuckle as I blow out the candle. The fact that Phil actually remembered makes me so happy, like you wouldn't believe.

"Of course I remembered. I've been planning your elaborate surprise party for ages." Phil jokes. He knows I hate having huge parties like the stupid ones you would see on MTV.

"No. Please tell me you didn't plan too much for today. You know I don't want to make a huge deal out of this."

"I know." he smirks evilly, which concerns me a bit, but not much since I know Phil too well. He's probably got something planned anyway, but I'll play along. "Do you want your present now?" 

"Yes please!" I say excitedly.

"Okay, but you have to come out to the living room to get it." He smirks, beckoning me out of the warm cocoon that is my duvet.

"Ugh fine." I slump out from under the covers and follow him out. He says I have to close my eyes. Oh god. I think. What does he have planned? I hope there aren't a bunch of people in there that could see me in my pjs and bed hair. As we get to the end of the hall (I think), he lets me open my eyes. 

My favorite Muse album is playing quietly from the computer speakers, our Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVD is loading in the DVD player, and there's a present wrapped in all black wrapping paper on the table. "Happy Birthday Dan." 

I turn around and hug him tight, never intending to let go anytime soon. "Thank you Phil. You're the best." I smile. Maybe today will be the one day of the year I'll be happy for awhile without having the darkness loom over me.

"I haven't even given you your present yet." He hands me the box from the table. Inside, there is a green backpack, just like Finn has, and a hat just like Finn's too. I laugh to myself. I put them on and spin around for Phil to see.

"How do I look?" I ask seductively. But jokingly, of course. 

"Gorgeous. Now we can be Finn and Jake and go adventuring together!" he says excitedly. I hug and kiss him as a thank you. We make cereal for breakfast and watch my favorite tv shows all day. We don't do anything extravagant like I asked, but Phil still looked happy that I was happy. And I am genuinely happy.


	12. Demolition Lovers-My Chemical Romance

_"Hand in mine, into your icy blues, and then I'd say to you we could take to the highway with this trunk of ammunition too. I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets. I'm trying, I'm trying to let you know just how much you mean to me. And after all the things we put each other through, and I would drive on to the end with you. A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full, and I feel like there's nothing left to do but prove myself to you and we'll keep it running."_

I'm surprised Phil hasn't broken it off with me yet. I've been depressed for over three years now, I have tried to kill myself--which resulted in many irreversible scars, and I'm angry and irritable most of the time lately. My depression has driven me to the point of severe paranoia, anxiety, and irritability among other things. I get mad at him for the smallest things like leaving the silverware drawer open after he makes a bowl of cereal. Or him constantly leaving his goddamn socks in various places in our apartment. He's been a saint for staying.

I hate how our relationship has been working the last two or three weeks: I get mad at Phil for no reason, I yell at him louder and more aggressively than necessary, he almost cries, I apologize, and then we snuggle on the couch and watch a movie and everything is okay again. It's almost abusive, I think. I know it's not physical abuse, I would never hit Phil, but I could possibly be verbally or emotionally abusing him. That's not how it should work. I've been trying to work on controlling my anger issues lately and haven't yelled as much as before, which is good, but Phil has stopped standing up for himself. He just stands there and takes in my abuse like he deserves it or something, which he absolutely does not. I'm just worried that I'll take it too far one day and he wont be there anymore to keep me in line.

I've also been having really bad nightmares lately. I toss and turn all night struggling to get away from whatever's scaring me, and even though Phil and I share a bed, I haven't woken him up yet (that I know of). I don't know how the hell he hasn't woken up from my constant movement, but he has to be the heaviest sleeper in the entire history of the whole friggin' world. The dreams are about me telling my family about everything that has happened in the last few months (depression, cutting, suicide attempt) and all that jazz. Except they're not very forgiving and, in return to my honesty and the trust I've placed on them, they disown me. That could be the worst possible outcome to anything bad I'll ever tell them about. I haven't decided when I'll tell them about it, but now's not the right time. In real life, my parents have been repeatedly supportive of me, but I'm still scared nonetheless. 

Phil and I have both decided that it's best if I keep this all on the down low. In fact, it's been so on the down low that no one has suspected anything was wrong with me. Every time I am forced to go out into the public or film a new video, I always wear long sleeves and be extremely careful that the sleeves don't slide down my arm or anything. I hate that I have to hide the entirety of my personal life from everyone lately, but no one can find out until I decide that it's time for them to.

Eventually, I will tell everyone, or I'll fuck up and have someone find out about it, but I don't feel like it's time quite yet. I just need to get a little bit better mentally, because I get anxiety attacks whenever Phil mentions it or I think about it too long. So we never talk about it together anymore. I know I'll have to eventually, because all Phil wants to know is why I attempted suicide when I don't even know the full reason myself. The time will come sooner or later.


	13. To The End-My Chemical Romance

_"If you marry me would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end? So say goodbye to the vows you take. And say goodbye to the life you make. And say goodbye to the heart you break and all the cyanide you drank."_

Mum called the other day and asked if it was okay that she take us all out to dinner (Phil too) to be updated in our lives away from them. My parents and brother were going to be there, but at least Phil was coming.

I've been contemplating on which story I should tell them first: Phil and I are together, or I'm depressed and suicidal. I figured both would be too much for one day. I think I'll go with the first one. My family is usually pretty cool and I hope they will be okay with it. But what if the other thing just slips out? I don't know how I'm going to tell them yet. I planned out everything for telling them I was gay for years, but me attempting suicide has only been weeks ago. Maybe I have had time to think about it, but now's not the time to bring it up in a public setting.

We decide to take a cab and meet them at the Italian restaurant we'll be eating at. I'm shaking the whole way, unprepared for the conversation portion of the night. But as we get closer and closer to the restaurant, I feel like I'm going to hydra pump vomit all over the car, and it gets progressively worse. I see my family through the window of the restaurant as the cab driver pulls over to let us out of the cab. We pay him and head inside. 

Phil and I walk over to the table and sit down trying to avoid hugging anyone in fear of my sleeves riding up. I just say a quick hello and bury my face in a menu. About half an hour passes and we're all about halfway through our meals when my mum speaks up. "Are you alright Dan? You haven't been eating much."

I shoot a glance at Phil and he nods, signaling for me to tell them. "I'm fine, but... there's something I have to tell you guys about. Well, actually, we it involves Phil too. We've been keeping this a secret for a long time now." I laugh awkwardly.

"Keeping what a secret?" dad asks, looking up from his bowl of spaghetti suspiciously.

I take Phil's hand in mine and place them on top on the table. I look back at my family. "I'm gay. And Phil is my boyfriend. And we have been together for 3 years now." I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming at the thought of what they'll say next. After an awkward ten second silence (which feels so much longer than it really is, mom speaks up. "I think that's great. You two make a cute couple and we're happy for you. We love you no matter what." My dad and brother nod in agreement.

I let out the breath I've been holding for what feels like an eternity. I'm glad they feel this way. I keep a hold of Phil's hand and he gives me a kiss on the cheek. I feel so much better knowing they accept me for me. The night drags on as they ask us questions about our relationship. My brother surprisingly asks the most questions. I thought he would be a bit uncomfortable about this, but he seemed okay. He asked me stuff like, "how long have you been gay?"

"Since birth, but I never realized it."

"What's it like being gay?"

"It's like, um, say straight people like Lucky Charms, I just happen to like Cheerios." He laughed at this comparison.

"Have you dated any other guys before Phil?"

"Just one. I don't want to talk about it." I stare at my hands in my lap. Phil puts a gentle hand on my shoulder. 

"Are you okay? Do you want to go home?" He asks. 

"No, I'm okay. Let's go to the bar when we get out of here." He looks at me weird, but slowly nods.


	14. Caraphernelia-Pierce The Veil

_"Sunshine, there ain't a thing that you can do that's gonna ruin my night. But, there's just something about this dizzy dreamer and her bleeding little blue boy. Licking your fingers like you're done and you've decided there is so much more than me. And baby, honestly it's harder breathing next to you, I shake. I brought a gun and as the preacher tried to stop me. Hold my heart it's beating for you anyway. What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat. I'll be the fire that'll catch you. What's so good about picking up the pieces? None of the colors ever light up anymore in this hole."_

We get out of the restaurant a little while later. We watch my family get into a cab and drive away while we walk down the pavement to the nearest pub. It's only a couple blocks away. "You don't have to stay for long if you don't want to. I know you don't really like going to the pub. I'll be home later. I just don't want to have to think for awhile." He nods understandingly.

"Just don't over do it please, okay? You know bad things happen to you when you get pissed drunk."

"I know. Let's not bring up my embarrassing stories. I'll try not to go overboard this time." Yeah right. I wanna get drunk and not have to think about what happened tonight, or my ex-boyfriend accidentally being brought up at dinner. Let's just say he was horrible and leave it at that.

We round the corner into the pub and get seats at the bar. I order tequila shots and Phil gets a beer. He looks uncomfortable watching me down the shots, but I don't care right now. I just wanna forget. He leaves after awhile anyway, not even finishing his beer. He walks out, looking a bit angry, but I'm a bit too drunk to notice. 

I order six more shots and down them. Later, some big dude comes up and sits next to me. I stare at him thinking, "why is he here? What's his life story?" He notices me. Shit. 

"What the fuck are you looking at?" He yells in my face. And me, being stupid in my state of intoxication, I came back at him with the overused, sarcastic comeback of "not much." He punches me in the jaw, but I don't even feel anything. I try to get up, but have a hard time standing up straight. The dude kicks my side while I'm laying on the floor, and I'm taken out by the bouncers. The stand me outside and I try to figure out how to get home. I end up deciding to walk.

Somehow, by miracle, I stumble in the door at two am. Phil is still up too. I don't know if he was waiting for me, or if he just didn't feel like going to bed yet. "What happened to your face?" He asks me.

"Got in a fight with a big dude." I mumble. "Can't even feel it." 

"Yeah." he says. "That means you're too drunk. Come on, let's get you to bed. You reek of alcohol." 

"I only got drunk to not think of Aaron." I slur. 

"Who's Aaron?" Fuck.

"My ex-boyfriend. The one who hit me and I started cutting." Shut up, Dan.

"You don't know what you're saying, you're drunk. Come on, go to your room tonight."

"Okay, night night, Phil." I laugh. 

"Goodnight, Dan." he says as he closes my door. Not even two minutes later, I'm out like a light.


	15. Diamonds Aren't Forever-Bring Me The Horizon

_"We will never sleep, 'cause sleep is for the weak. No, we will never rest 'til we're all fucking dead. I refuse! I refuse! I refuse to close my eyes! I have loved, and I have lost. I have turned, and I have tossed. I have listened, and I have watched. I've gave into this for long enough! I have lost, and I have loved. Sleep has stolen far too much. Close your eyes, but not just yet. Sleep is just a cousin of death!"_

I lay in bed for a long time, trying to control my headaches as I start to wake up. I'm too hungover to get up out of bed to get anything for it, but also because I don't feel like facing Phil at the moment. I already know he's disappointed in me without even having to talk to him. I hear him peek in my doorway to check on me, but pretend to be asleep everytime he does. It's not healthy for our relationship if I keep being like this. I just need to get over my past and move on.

I do remember what I said to Phil last night about Aaron. I never should have told him in the first place, but it's too fucking late now. I never should have gone out with Aaron right from the start. I knew he was a bad guy but something told me he would be different if he had someone in his life. Boy, was I wrong. He used to beat me if I did something wrong or said something out of line or even looked at him funny. I don't even know why I stayed with him for almost an entire year, but I did. The minute he asked me to have sex with him was the minute I ended it. I wasn't about to fuck the guy that beat me. I'm so glad I came to my senses finally, but angry that I hadn't seen it earlier. 

Three months after we started going out, he made me feel so bad that I started cutting. It helped me cope with whatever he did to me during our time together. I couldn't stop even after we broke up because it's that addicting. 

I'm happier now with Phil. Happier than I've ever been in my entire life, yet I'm still depressed. He takes care of me and truly loves me, so why haven't I been fixed yet? Im slowly realizing that I'm part of the reason I haven't been completely okay yet as I lay in my bed. Then I hear my door creak open.

"Oh good, you're awake." Phil says quietly. "Dan, can I ask you something?" 

"Um... yeah. Come on in." I sit up and wince at the pain running through my head, but brush it off and make room for him to sit. He comes over slowly, as if I'm dying and he needs to be quiet so that I don't. "What did you want to ask me?" 

"Do you remember what you said to me last night about your ex-boyfriend?" Phil says cautiously. I nod, lowering my head somewhat in shame. "Well, can I ask... why did you stay with Aaron if he beat you. And why did you start cutting? And are you okay now? Do you feel better with me, I mean?"

"Phil, I honestly don't know why I stayed with him, but he just made me feel something when I felt numb. It's kinda like how cutting makes you feel like you're not dead inside. I only started it because he made me feel worthless and horrible and I needed something to help me get away. But yes, I feel so much better with you. I feel like you saved me somehow. If I had never met you, I think I'd have killed myself a long time ago, to be completely honest. But I will try to get better. I promise." 

He leans over to me and kisses me on the lips and wraps his arms around my waist like he never wants to let me go. I never want to get away from Phil. He'll always be there for me, and hopefully I'll do the same for him. I pull away for air and engulf him in a huge hug. He holds me and I start crying. I'm glad he's been there for me every step of the way. I know I will get better eventually, but things take time.


	16. Famous Last Words-My Chemical Romance

_"So many bright lights, they cast a shadow. But can I speak? Well, is it hard understanding I'm incomplete? A life that's so demanding, I get so weak. A love that's so demanding, I can't speak. I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Honey, if you stay I'll be forgiving. Nothing you can say can stop me going home."_

It's been five months since I told my parents about the whole depression/self-harm situation. First I told them I was and still am depressed. My mom asked me a few questions about it. Dad was silent the whole time. He never took bad news as well as mom did. Then I told them I used to cut myself and they started crying. I felt horrible. Then I tell them about my suicide attempt. They cried even harder and my brother had to leave the room. They hugged me and told me to show them my scars. I protested at first but they insisted. I still had long red lines on my arms from my suicide attempt and shorter, lighter ones from the other times. I also still had some stitches in a few of them. 

I went back home and decided to make a video about it. Phil came on camera with me and we told them about us, but then I was going to tell them about the other thing. Phil went behind the camera but stayed in the room with me. I told them I was depressed and used to cut. I started crying a little. I wipped my eyes and noticed Phil was crying too. "Don't cry, Phil. It's okay. I'm all better now." I tell him with a sad smile. I decided I would leave that part on the video, just for a bit of- I don't know- dramatic effect maybe?

I tell the camera about suicide and what I learned from my ordeal. I say that suicide is never the answer and it only causes bigger problems. That it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I'm crying harder the end of the video and decide not to do the sexy end screen dance this time. It's not the right place for it. I get up to hug Phil because he's crying even harder than I am. I guess this whole situation takes a greater toll on the people around you, more so than yourself. 

I cry as I edit the video. I don't even know if I'm ready to post it yet or not. Do I really want to, or do I think I should? I don't know. I simply decide to call it "I Have Some News". I haven't uploaded it yet, because I need to wait for the right time.


	17. This Love-Maroon 5

_"This love has taken its toll on me. She said goodbye too many times before, and her heart is breaking in front of me. I have no choice, cause I won't say goodbye anymore. I tried my best to feed her appetite. Keep her coming every night. So hard to keep her satisfied. Kept playing love like it was just a game, pretending to feel the same, then turn around and leave again."_

It was late one night when we started talking. I had been thinking about this for awhile now, and it's time I told Phil what was going on in my head. Phil was sitting on the couch watching TV when I came in the room from a long time of thinking in my bedroom. 

I sat down on the next to Phil, but kept a bit of distance between us. I sat there for a minute, not saying anything, just trying to think of how I would start the conversation. I had been thinking about this for a week now. I thought maybe this is how I could make Phil happier. I'm no good for Phil. I was an anchor on Phil's boat. I needed to let him go so I wouldn't drag him down any further. 

"Phil, we need to talk." I started. It came out of my mouth more assertive than I intended to be. Maybe it gave away what I was about to talk to him about. Quickly, Phil turned the TV off to give me his full attention. My stomach was tied in knots.I really didn't want to do this, but I had to for Phil's own good. "I've been thinking for a while now, and I've been dwelling on this for... a long time, actually. I thought that maybe I shouldn't say this, but I have to if you are going to get anywhere in life." Phil was confused, but didn't ask any questions because he knew I would get to the point soon. 

"I think we should break up." I stated flatly. There was no emotion in my voice. Though I felt very strongly for Phil, I didn't want to let my emotions get the best of me. I needed to get this done just as you would if you were pulling off a bandage: quick and easy.

"What? Why?" Phil simply asked, his eyes full of concern. "Is it something I've done? Is there anything I can do-" 

"It's not your fault, Phil. And I haven't met anyone else, if that's what you're thinking. I've actually felt this way for a long time now. I still love you, very much, but I feel as if I'm weighing you down. I know you're trying to fix me, but I just can't be fixed, and you're not gonna get anywhere if I'm dragging you down with me." 

"But if I am trying to fix you, I could actually do it sometime. You never know. And if we fix you soon enough, you won't weigh me down. And you're not weighing me down at all right now. I love you for who you are, not the stuff you do. I can deal with all this, and I promise you, you will get better as long as you let me help you." Phil tried to explain. He tried to convince me that breaking up could be a horrible idea, especially if I was ever going to get better. And he was absolutely right.

"I can't believe I thought breaking up would be a good idea. I'm so stupid. But I love you for dealing with me these past months." I move closer to him on the couch.

"I'm glad you're staying. Life would be a living hell without you, Dan. Come here." Phil motioned for me to hug him. We stayed like that for a while. I started to cry when I realized what a huge mistake I almost made. Phil held me tight in his arms until I felt better. With my face still buried in his shoulder, Phil picked me up and carried me to our room, and we both fell asleep after a long day.


	18. It's Not Over-Daughtry

_"I try to see the good in life, but good things in life are hard to find. We'll blow it away, blow it away. Can we make this something good? Well, I'll try to do it right this time around. Let's start over. I'll try to do it right this time around. It's not over cause a part of me is dead and in the ground. This love is killing me, but you're the only one. It's not over."_

"I'm sorry I scared you the other day. I don't know what I was thinking. I think I was really tired from everything that's been going on lately and I couldn't think straight. Kind of like when you're drunk, I guess." I said a few days after. We had grown closer together in the few days since we almost broke up, after realizing how frivolous relationships can be. 

"It's okay." He giggles a bit. "It happens to everyone. I've done things like that before too."

"Yeah, but not everyone almost loses the love of their life over something so stupid." Phil and I always tell each other how much we love each other. And each time we say it, we really mean it. I hate when couples tell each other they love each other and stay together for so long when they actually don't, and are just scared of being alone. 

I mean yeah, I don't want to be alone anymore, but if anything ever happened between us that could lead to us breaking up, we'd try to find a way to fix it. It's happened once or twice before and we've never been happier as a couple. If you take time to fix all the kinks in a relationship, you won't have to deal with them later on.

We both know it's legal for us to get married now in the UK, but marriage changes you most of the time, and we wouldn't want to jeopardize anything that we have now. We want to stay just like this forever, of possible.

I started taking anti-depressants under Phil's recommendation, and all my stitches are finally out. They left me with some scars, but they'll eventually fade so they'll be less harsh. I can just wear long sleeves for the time being. I'm happier now with my improved life. We both are. But there's still so much more to come. 

A few weeks later, I stopped taking the medication. Using poor judgement, I thought that I could get better myself, with some help from Phil. But things only got worse. With one existential crisis after another, I questioned my meaning of life, which caused me to become suicidal again. I would never attempt to do it again, because I know it caused my loved ones more pain than it did to me (emotionally, I mean, because those cuts fucking hurt like a bitch). But just the thought of it was so tempting. 

I didn't have my razors anymore. Phil threw them, along with every pencil sharpener in the house, in the trash and took it to the curb. It's not that I liked causing myself any physical pain, it was just a way of getting away from the mental pain. I'm still depressed, but less so because I know Phil is trying to help me, and that warms my cold, dark heart. 

Every night, before bed, we just talk for awhile. We lay in bed in complete darkness and talk about anything that comes up. How our day was (but not much of that since we're together so much), but every time he asks about my mental stability. If differs depending on the day's activities. After that, we snuggle together and fall asleep, but I've always stayed awake far longer than Phil. It's not that I'm an insomniac, it's just that there's too much to think about.


	19. Sleepwalking-Bring Me The Horizon

_"My secrets are burning a hole through my heart, and my bones catch a fever. When it cuts you up this deep it's hard to find a way to breathe. Your eyes are swallowing me. Mirrors start to whisper, shadows start to sing. My skin's smothering me. Help me find a way to breathe. Time stood still the way it did before. It's like I'm sleepwalking. Fell into another hole again. It's like I'm sleepwalking. I'm at the edge of the world. Where do I go from here? Do I disappear? Edge of the world. Should I sink or swim? Or simply disappear?"_

I sneak out of our room and wander into the hallway. I can still hear Phil snoring, so I know I'm free to do anything, as long as I keep quiet. It's almost 2 a.m., but I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight. It's okay though. We all get those sleepless nights once in awhile. I just tend to do stuff instead of lying in bed and try to go to sleep when I get them.

I shuffle into the kitchen to make a secret glass of cereal and sit out on the fire escape. I come out here a lot, I've noticed. Usually, while Phil's asleep, I just sit out here and think. Sometimes, though, I like to shut my brain off and just watch the traffic go by. It feels good to not have to think for a little while. All these existential crisises have really bummed me out. I hate going through life being somewhat self-aware. I'd much rather be clueless about my existence like any other irrelevant human being. I wonder if I would be happier that way. I often think about what my life would be like if I had never thought about my existence and my role here on Earth. Would I have become the lawyer I was going to be before I dropped out? Or would I have pursued the acting career I chose as a kid? We'll probably never know.

When my cereal runs out, I go back inside and browse Tumblr for an hour or two. I surprisingly get to the bottom of my dashboard, which is extremely unusual, considering that it is almost endless. I try to think of new ideas for videos, but I have nothing. My brain can be useless and over-active at the same time, but not at the right times. 

I watch the sun come up through the tree in our garden. I want to go outside for a change because I realize that the only reason I've left the house in a month is for work at the radio station. I quickly get dressed and write Phil a note so he won't worry if he wakes up before I get back, and leave it on my pillow. 

I pull my sweatshirt over my head (the one with the horns on the hood), and step out into the crisp morning air. The light bouncing off the windows of the buildings blinds me momentarily until I turn down the street on some random direction.


	20. Sleep-My Chemical Romance

_"Some say, now suffer all the children and walk away a savior or a madman and polluted from gutter institutions. Don't you breathe for me. Undeserving of your sympathy, cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did. And through it all, how could you cry for me? Cause I don't feel bad about it. So shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye, and sleep. Just sleep. The hardest part is letting go of your dreams."_

I often wonder if I should tell my friends more about my life. Most of them have no idea that Phil and I are together, but I have a feeling they figured it out already. I know they accept Tyler Oakley to be gay, but I can't help but think they'll think differently of me and Phil. It's probably a stupid idea altogether, because if they really are my friends, they'll accept me. 

I haven't posted the video I made about my "personal life" yet. I'm just waiting for what I think is the right time. Phil agrees that it's better to wait longer and be satisfied than to rush into it and be less happy with the result (duh). I know I will get the usual hate, but it's always expected. I just don't understand why people watch my videos of they don't like me. I get that some people have a different sense of humor than I do, or they just don't think I'm appealing, or maybe they don't like my haircut. And that's fine, do whatever you want. But why do you have to tell me that I'm gay or a bad person if I already know that?

I aimlessly wander around until the sun is fully in the sky and it's 8:00 just about. I traipse back home to find Phil making coffee in the kitchen. I guess he got my note because he didn't do anything when I walked in the door.

"Have a nice walk?" he asks. 

"Yeah, it was nice. Fresh air and all." I mumble. 

"Did you get any sleep at all last night, Dan?" Phil turns from his coffee to me, with a look of deep concern on his face. He knows that I'm off my pills and I'm not getting any better. 

"I can't lie to you can I?" I say under my breath. "No. I haven't slept in the last 30 or so hours. But I'm not the least bit tired. And how in the world could I sleep when there's just so much to think about, Phil?" He gives me a look and opens his mouth to speak but I interrupt him. "Look, I know what you're going to say about this whole situation. I'm fine. I'm a grown man and I can take care of myself." I try to convince him. 

"Dan, I really didn't want to bring this up, but you can't be left alone for more than an hour without thinking of killing yourself again. I know it's a sensitive topic with you, and I understand you don't want to talk about it, but you have to realize that you're never going to get better if you don't let anyone help you. Or you don't try it yourself."

"What if I don't want help? What if I want to do this by myself?" 

"Well, guess what happened the last time you tried to fix yourself alone?" I tilt my head to the side, showing him that I don't understand what he's going on about. "You cut yourself. And you almost successfully committed suicide. And I wasn't there to save you before it got too far."


	21. Animal-Neon Trees

_"Here we go again. We're sick like animals, we play pretend. You're just a cannibal and I'm afraid I won't get out alive. No, I won't sleep tonight."_

That was the first time Phil ever brought it up since it happened. It made me really upset that he felt this way, and that he's guilty he didn't find me quick enough. Even though I sort of wish he'd never found me, I'm glad he did. But I hate that he feels guilty about this. I try to convince him that he did find me in time, and I'm still alive because he did, but he's stubborn and won't change his mind. It's all my fault. All of it. 

It's my fault that I almost died. It's my fault that I chose a time where Phil shouldn't have been able to save me in time. I'm somewhat glad he did, even though I'm still kind of mad at him for saving me. I had planned it for so long. I was finally going to escape this cruel world. And he ruined all that. But I'm never going to tell him that. Some of these things I'll keep to myself. 

After realizing all this, I can only function enough to do one thing: stare at Phil. My face has all these different emotions crossing it all at once: love, anger, surprise, resent. All of a sudden, I break down on the floor and cry. I'm too physically tired to do anything else but collapse. Phil rushes to my side and pulls me into his lap on the floor. Tears stream down my face like raindrops on a car window, racing each other to the bottom. 

I calm down after a while, but still shaken up over our fight before. Phil apologizes a million times but I brush him off every time. 

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

It't been 5 months exactly since that happened now. Phil and I have gotten better. I'm still depressed, but I'm trying hard to get better. Right now, my relationship with Phil couldn't be any better. We haven't fought in forever, we say 'I love you' all the time and mean it. We even had sex a couple times.

I think I wanna spend the rest of my life with him.


	22. If I'm James Dean You're Audrey Hepburn-Sleeping With Sirens

_"How the hell did you ever pick me? Honestly, I could sing you a song, but I don't think words can express your beauty. It's singing to me. How the hell did we end up like this? You bring out the beast in me. I fell in love from the moment we kissed. Since then we've been history. They say that love is forever. Your forever is all that I need. Please stay as long as you need. Can't promise that things won't be broken, but I swear that I will never leave. Please stay forever with me"_

I wake up in the morning to see Phil's electric blue eyes staring into my brown ones. I smile because it's funny and also kinda creepy that he was staring at me. 

He rolls over on top of me and kisses my nose. "Good morning, beautiful." He says. 

"Good morning." I return sleepily, making him giggle. 

He rests his head on my chest as I wrap my arms around him, pulling him as close as physically possible. "I love you so much." I say to break to silence. 

"I love you too." I can hear him smiling as he talks. 

Secretly, I had been planning on getting a ring for Phil, but we had to pay bills, so I couldn't afford a full-on engagement ring. I got him a promise ring instead. I think it's actually cuter. 

"Hey Phil?" 

"Hmm?" 

"I've been thinking for awhil-"

"So that's why I smell smoke." He jokes. I laugh, and he picks up his head to look at me. 

"No, but seriously. I've been thinking about my future and everything. I want it to be filled with love, and happiness, and good things. And I want it all to include you. I want to wake up next to your beautiful face every day. I want to take long walks with you. I want to have lazy days in bed together. And I wanted all this, not realizing that one simple thing could break us up. And I never want us to be broken up. So, Philip Michael Lester, will you marry me?" I can't see his face too well because it's so close to mine, but I think he was happy.

"I don't know." he says sarcastically. "I have some questions first." 

"Ask away." 

"How many kids do you want?" he starts off with. 

"Two." I answer. 

"What kind of house do you wanna live in?" 

"A nice big one with a really big front yard where our kids can play. But it won't too far from our friends and family." 

"Will you promise to let me help you get better?" 

"Yes, anything you'll do to help, I'll allow." 

"Then, yes I will marry you. I still would even if your first two answers were different." He kisses my lips as I pull him on top of me. The kiss lasts a long time, leaving is gasping for breath when we break away.

"I love you so much. And this time I don't want to wait too long to tell people, okay?"

"Okay. And I love you too. Now let's have one of those lazy days you mentioned."


End file.
